I'm so Rumbly, in my Tumbly...

This post was actually written last Friday... sorry it has taken so long to publish :)

So much happens these days within just a couple of weeks! I am feeling MUCH better than I have been. Nausea is much less frequent and chocolate and I are back to being the pals we once were. For all of a week or so, I guess I was actually feeling like me again... just plain old Jessica! That didn't last long though. I'm into a new phase... the feeling phase!

I have been feeling "flutters" for the past couple of weeks but most people usually discount those as "gas." Weird gas, I would say. But yesterday was different. After eating a big lunch and then sitting at my desk, I felt almost as though my bladder was full but without the pain or pressure to pee. I began to realize that it was my uterus that was feeling stretched out. Then that stretchy feeling moved to the left, then back to the right. It is almost like when you rub your knuckles up against your opposite open hand. It happened again last night after Will and I walked to Cheesecake Factory for dinner (we are trying to walk more and we had a gift card to use-win, win, win). It was that same distinct stretching and moving feeling. Then it started again today around mid-morning. I have to say, it is truly amazing. I know I will tire of it eventually (and be sick of the kicking someday) but, for now, I love it! It makes this all seem so much more REAL and less in my head!!

We had our 16 week appointment last week. It was... uneventful! It is amazing how quickly those trips go now. Pee in a cup, take your blood pressure, feel around your belly, listen to the sweet swishing of Pip's heartbeat, ask any questions we might have... then, done. I asked many of my questions that came up after being at Suzanne's birth. Many of my concerns were alleviated. However, I did learn that my midwife doesn't seem all that keen on pursuing a "natural" childbirth. I guess I should have known that. She wasn't discouraging but she certainly doesn't have the same view of it as I do. Our definitions were even very different... for her, Suzanne's birth was "Natural" because Emily was delivered through a "natural" orifice. In any event, I still think she is going to be supportive of this decision. I think it was just a tad bit disappointing to come to this realization.
As always, my artsy husband was there to document the day... here it is in pictures :) Enjoy!


Here is me... pre-appt (with a little belly :))



The drill... blood pressure and doppler (peeing in a cup pictures tastefully withheld ;))

What kind of world are we living in?

I guess it is hard NOT to address what happened yesterday at Va Tech. It is hard not to think about how 32 young kids lost their lives and over what?! More than anything, as a soon-to-be mom, it is hard not to think about the kind of world that my child will be growing up in. It is a very scary prospect. Being bombarded with the images of horror, I find that the quiet of the morning has given me some time to ponder and process it all a little more. For that, I am grateful.

Some of my processing time came in staff meeting this morning. The question was this: do we address what has happened in Virginia this week in service? It seems unnatural not to touch on it. At times like this, people question how a loving and just God could allow such atrocities to occur. It is mind boggling (or mind-bottling, if you are a Chas Michael Michaels fan) how a good God would let such things happen. I guess it is that whole "problem of evil" debate all over again. Somehow, I think we HAVE to address it, not just because it is such a public issue, but also because it is such a personal issue. It hurts because it hits close to home. In every church, in every city and in every pew, people are dealing with pain. People lose loved ones, suffer from emotional traumas, live with constant lack of fulfillment in their lives. It comes in different ways and in different forms but we all experience it. So, why wouldn't we talk about it? Why wouldn't we wrestle with God? Why can't we be angry with him for the world that we live in? I think in most churches, that is taboo. I am glad it isn't here.

I guess this is my theory (and, remember, I am just a lowly lay person, really! I have never been to Bible College or really studied theology... so, I could just be popping off. BUT, it is MY blog. If you disagree, start your own :) As I said from the beginning, I never assumed anyone would be interested in what I have to say about anything... why should that change now?!?! Just let me type and process... thanks!) So, here it goes...You cannot have victory without a battle. In other words, I don't know that we could fully experience the amazing good of our God without the juxtaposition against the cruelty of this world. You can call it yin and yang, good vs. evil... whatever you like. But I think it is true. I have been thinking a lot today about the Va Tech community. My gut tells me that it is not a place of horror and fear today. Sure, there may be traces of that, but I think at the heart of it all, at the epicenter, there is grief and pain but there is also a surreal sense of comfort and peace. I think that is often the way of things. I think back to the shooting within the Amish community this past year. I know so many people were mesmerized by their peace about the situation and their ability to forgive. I think that the reality is that we were finally shown a community that was able to name it for what it was: a peace that surpasses all human understanding. I also think back to the time just after 9/11. I remember that sense of loss and pain... not just for those people in New York but for me too. There was such a loss of innocence. A feeling that the world we live in will forever be changed. But I also remember feeling an odd sense of calm and a new thread of dependence on other people in my community and on a God would could not only sustain me and our nation but also heal us. I just hope and pray that my little theory is right and that the same can be said for the people of Blacksburg, VA today.

So, what does any of this have to do with Pip? Quite a bit, I suppose. In the last 24 hours, I have visited the usually baby center message boards and a common thread is that many expectant moms worry about the world their kids will grow up in. I guess I know that this world is sometimes horrifying. That there is evil that roams free and justice does not always prevail. I suppose that I also know that there IS good in this world. That people CAN have a positive impact on other people and that we serve a God whose heart breaks for the pain we endure. I guess I just want to teach Pip to be that second kind of person, the person whose heart breaks at the things that break the heart of God. That Pip becomes the kind of person that wants to enact change in this world, to BE the hands and feet of Jesus, whether that means serving the poor and disenfranchised people on the other side of the world or just carrying the groceries for the little old lady at the market. I want Pip to know that he/she is a part of the story of God. That Pip has a calling and a purpose; to BE Jesus to people cause Pip may be the only Jesus that people ever see. I suppose that is a very tall task but I think it is doable. And if even a few people in this world want to do the same, then I KNOW that this world will be a better place than it is today.
As Jesus said: Thy kingdom come, thy will be done... on EARTH as it is in heaven.

Maybe I am theologically whacked, but thinking about it this way makes it easier for me to sleep at night. It also makes it easier for me to serve a God that I know is about mercy, love and compassion. I know he is present in the pain. And I know, today, he is holding Blacksburg, Virginia tightly to his chest.

15 weeks (or holy cow, I only have 25 weeks to go and feeling behind already!)

So, I turn 15 weeks today. My oh my how time flies! I remember that first month of being pregnant and it just felt like every day was an eternity. Somewhere along the line, the fast forward button seems to have been pushed and I have quickly gotten wrapped up in the day to day insanity of life. I worry about that because I realize that in this very long life I hope to lead, only a precious few weeks and months will be spent in this precious role of "human incubator." And, as much as I have hated it at times (the constant nausea and migraines for example) I really do think it is quite a blessing and I want to be able to savor it because so much more of your life is spent being NOT pregnant rather than pregnant (unless your are mormon or that crazy woman on TLC who has almost 20 kids... she has probably been pregnant more of her life than not... and THAT is insane!!)

In any event, I will try to catch you up on the last few (very eventful) weeks... if not in THIS post, in the next couple of posts (which I hope to have up in the next couple of days). Before I get any more confusing... I will move on...

So, a few big things in the past couple of weeks... first, Emily's arrival...

As I mentioned before, my friend Suzanne was due at the end of March with her first baby. She goes to my midwife as well and I was acting as her birth coach since her hubby, David, (a police officer) works on Saturdays and was unable to go to lamaze with her. So, after WEEKS of anticipating the big day (she had a couple of false alarms and was 100% effaced and anywhere from 1-3 cm dilated for nearly a month) she was FINALLY induced a week after her due date. On April 3rd at about 3:30PM, her water was broken and they started her on pitocin to get contractions going. Get them going, they did! She went from relative ease to extreme pain in a matter of minutes and it wasn't long before the epidural was requested. She got that at about 5PM and tried to sleep throughout most of her labor. At about 4AM on the 4th, she was complete and ready to push. Only problem was that she had had TOO MUCH medication and was unable to feel in order to push correctly. They decided to let her "labor down" for a little while longer. At about 9AM, we were ready to try again. After nearly two hours of labor, Emily Grace had arrived. She was a BIG baby- 8lbs, 14oz. She is incredibly cute!
All in all, I really enjoyed my job as birth coach. I have to say it was probably one of the most amazing things I have ever been a part of. I really feel priviledged to have been there with them throughout the whole ordeal. I think I will have a special bond now with baby Emily and the rest of her family for years to come. It was emotional, tiring and wonderful.

Of cours. it was also an opportunity to see how my own birth experience might play out since we have the same midwife and deliver in the same hospital. I think it was good for me to be there because it gives me some realistic expectations as to what will be happening when Pip comes and gave me a lot to think about in terms of my own process. Not to take ANYTHING away from Suzanne's experience, but I also realized there are some things that I want to do differently and need to talk to Lynn about before the big day arrives. But, I guess that is why I have 25 weeks to figure this all out. So, here is my synopsis of what I learned (or what I would change) from this experience...

1.) I learned that having a midwife doesn't always make the process less "medical." Suzanne was hooked up to so many monitors and it still felt very... "hospital-like" the whole time. Not my ideal situation but maybe when Pip gets a sibling, we can look into a birthing center option. Who knows. And I really don't like the fetal monitoring that they do these days... why do you have to stick something in my baby's head to get their heartrate when I KNOW you can use something that straps to my belly to get the same data? I hope I can get some answers on that.
2.) I learned that just because I have a midwife, I am still going to be spending a LOT of time with the nurses (more than with my midwife) So, I had better plan on being nice to them (I am thinking of trying to bake some cookies to pass the time before I get to the hospital) AND I hope that I get some of the same nurses Suzanne had... they were really great!
3.) I learned that I get to have three people in the room with me when I deliver. Of course, one of those people will be Will. Part of me wants a doula (a paid and trained birthing coach) and part of me really wants my mom to be there with me. I just know what an emotional experience it was for the three of us that day and I think I would want my mom to be there since she was the one to be there with me when I came into the world. I also wouldn't mind having friends there too... very Red Tent of me, but I guess I see it all as part of this journey into womanhood... joining a very selective and special sorority. In any event, whoever is in that room needs to know in advance that they will see sides of me that may scar you for life and there will never again be any secrets between us :)
4.) I learned a lot about the epidural... It definitely has its pros and cons. First of all, I will NEVER do pitocin without an epidural. It was also really interesting to see how relaxed Suzanne was after getting hers. She was able to sleep and rest. It was pretty great. However, crazy as I am, I still think I want to try to do natural childbirth. If I find myself needing the epidural at some point, I won't think myself a failure for asking for it. But I want to prepare myself as much as possible to try and do it without drugs. I just feel more than ever that it lengthens your labor. So, I guess the trade off comes down to a LONG pain-free labor or a shorter, painFUL labor... we shall see.
5.) I learned that there are things I want to happen differently. Some of it is not up to me at all... like HOW I go into labor or whether or not I need a c-section. But, after Emily was born, they took her immediately to the incubator thing (which was in the room) to warm her up and clean her. I want that baby on my chest right after he or she is born... not in the hands of the nurses! Even if it is just a minute or so, I want to hold her right away. Suzanne didn't get to hold Emily until she had eaten and been fixed up... then they let her breastfeed. Not my order of preference.
6.) I learned that this is defnitely going to be one of the most difficult and amazing experiences of my life. I don't fear it at all. I am actually quite looking forward to it... all of it!

So, there you have it! Big event number one... I will be back with more soon... for now (as always) I need to eat!!

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say....

Wow! I am really bad at this posting thing!!! Even after I pledge to get better at it, I find myself WEEKS behind! And what a crazy few weeks it has been. BUT... alas, let me begin with some pictures :)

Here are a few that Will took of me just after I hit the 12 week mark (not much of a pooch yet but it is more than was once there!!)




You may also find that I have added a few more pictures into some previous blog entries since I am finally getting some pictures from Will. As you can see, Pip is going to have an amazingly talented dad :) Enjoy!!!