Charlie's in charge of our days and our nights...

So, our baby girl is now 4 months old... can you believe it? She weighed in yesterday at 9lbs and 4oz!! She is doing so well and becoming so much fun. She is becoming more and more responsive all the time. She obviously recocnizes Will and I now. She particularly LOVES her daddy (it is almost enough to make me annoyed!!) For example, she got her 4 month shots yesterday and she was pretty much a pill the rest of the day. There would be no smiles for mommy. But once daddy came home, it was an entirely different story as she became smiles from ear to ear. She even smiles sometimes when she hears Will laughing from across the room. It is pretty cute. Of course. as soon as we break out the camera we get nothing but "blue steel" from her. Hopefully we can capture some of her truly beautiful smiles here soon (her half smile that turns into a big open mouth grin is currently my favorite!!)

People ask us all the time if she is sleeping through the night yet which I find funny because she is really only about 7 weeks old (adjusted age). She gets up 2 or 3 times a night but I have been bad about keeping track. I usually start her out in her bassinet and then when she gets up the first time, I usually just pull her into bed with us (learning to breastfeed lying down was one of the best things about lactation clinic :) Speaking of lactation, we have officially graduated (as of the end of October!) So we don't get to go to CHOC every week anymore or see her old nurses (which is kinda a bummer!) We still get to see Amanda though since we will be going to her baby shower at the beginning of December. She is so great! It will be fun to do something in return for her since she spent so much time taking care of our baby. I feel like I owe her in a big way.

We still are not completely settled into our house. Some of that has to do with money (it is expensive to get everything I really want to finish off the house, like a new kitchenette set, some decor items and, of course, my porch swing!) The office is still an eye sore. I hope that by Christmas it will be a bit more put together. I just realize that I don't have nearly as much time as I would have thought with a newborn in the house! She takes up so much time. Not only that but I seem to spend a lot of time falling asleep myself when she naps. So, I basically feel as though I get nothing done. I just ordered Baby Wise though from Amazon so I am hoping that we get a schedule figured out soon. (one of those things I wanted to read before I delivered... turns out that didn't happen!) I am certainly looking forward to Christmas though. I had my first Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks last week and was SO happy! I also realized yesterday that Coast 103.5 is already playing nothing but Christmas music here :) So fun! My fear is that the next month is going to go by way to fast and I am going to let Christmas slip by again. So, I am doing a few things to combat that. First of all, I am trying to get all my Christmas shopping done this week (I am mostly there!) Second, I want to put together a FAMILY CHRISTMAS CALENDAR because we have so much going on this December (including 2 weddings and all of the stuff that goes along with that... showers, rehearsals, etc.) And I want to put EVERYTHING that I want to do down on that calendar.... even if that means writing down the little things like getting our tree, putting up lights on the house, or cozying up with a Christmas movie and a fire, I don't want to forget anything. Also, I have been reading a book on Christmas traditions and I want to incorporate a few things into our lives... especially since it is Charlie's first Christmas!!!

Thanksgiving should be fun too. We are hosting at our place and invited anyone from church that has nowhere else to go to come here... it will be fun to have people over. It is nice to have a place to actually host. We certainly have so much to be grateful for!

I hope to have more pictures soon... like of Charlie's first halloween (we had SO many trick-or-treaters, Will had to run out and get more candy at about 8pm!! It made me think though about how much I LOVE living in a neighborhood!) As soon as I get pictures, I promise to post :) Will has them all right now and I am negotiating their release :)

Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving. We are thankful for you, our friends and family at this time of year and all year long.

The end of the freak show

For so long, I honestly wondered if we should join the circus. There was not a time that we left the house that people did not comment on how little our baby Charlotte was. People would ooh and ahh over her and say things like "that is the tiniest baby I have ever seen!!" All of a sudden, no one is a stranger anymore and everyone wants to know the background story behind our little freakshow baby. People still ask how old she is when we go out, but I think it has more to do with the fact that she is finally looking like a newborn baby rather than a preemie. She weighed 7lbs and 2oz at our last weigh in last friday. She truly gets cuter every day. We can't get over how much we love her. I do think I need to get a onsie made though that has her info on it so I don't have to get into it every time. Just something that says, "I am older than I look. I am 3 months old but was born 12 weeks early at 2lbs, 8 oz. I now weigh over 7lbs and am doing well. Thanks for asking!" It might save me a lot of time next time I run to starbucks :)

It is kinda crazy to think that we are slowly losing the remnants of preemie life. She is even beginning to breastfeed more frequently and needing the bottle less and less ( although we have finally put a dent in the hundreds of oz of breastmilk we have in the freezer! I might actually have some room for some frozen veggies again soon!!) Most of her preemie clothes are now quite... snug. I guess this is where we move onto newborn life. As crazy as it sounds, it almost makes me a bit sad! Oh well! I am excited to see what this new phase has in store for us. Hello newborn world!!

Catching up to do

There is so much to catch up on... I don't even know where to begin! Charlie is doing well. She is growing quickly. At her last weigh in (last Thursday) she was 6lbs 10oz. She seems to be gaining about an ounce a day so I figure she is over 7lbs by now. My new favorite thing is that she can really hold her head up on her own pretty easily. It is fun to see her looking around and being so aware of things that are going on around her. I can pick her up by grabbing under her arms and lifting and not have to worry about her head bobbing around. In some ways I feel so lucky to have a preemie because she is still so little. I guess one positive thing in all of this is that my baby is a baby for so much longer. The down side of having a preemie is that I really do feel paranoid about everything. I started getting a cold yesterday and now I am worried sick that Charlie is going to get sick and that it is RSV, not just the common cold (of course RSV is the virus that is really bad news for preemies... it causes major respitory issues and can even cause death). Her pediatrician mentioned that there is RSV out there in the community already but I checked a Southern CA blog that gets info from various hospitals in the area and they have yet to have any reported cases, which makes me feel better. For some reason they don't start giving the RSV prevention shot until the first week of November (which makes no sense seeing as how the season usually starts in October). In any event, she seems to be okay as of right now. I am wearing a mask around the house (luckily my packrat of a husband kept the mask that he wore during my c-section) and washing my hands after every time I sneeze or blow my nose (which is rather frequent at this point!!) So, we just keep praying that Charlotte has some how eluded this sickness. Even if it is NOT RSV I would hate to see her sick with this. It is truly no fun at all!

One thing is for sure, our little peanut is so cute and getting cuter every day! Here are some new(er) pictures of our sweet 3 month old (can you even believe that she will be three months tomorrow?!?! She is so precious!!!

I found a few pics from back in the NICU that I wanted to post here...

Here is the three of us on game day. Check out Charlie's booties :)




These are pictures that we took the day we left the hospital... One of the nurses was hilarious and wanted to put Charlotte in all these crazy places. I will have to find those pictures on Will's computer. For now, these are a few we took that day.

Charlie in daddy's ball cap (just to give you some perspective on how little 4lbs is)

Here we are with her nurse Amanda (who we still keep in contact with and has become a good friend to us) and Charlie with Dr. Kukraja (one of our favorite and most encouraging doctors!)


Here are a couple pictures from the night we got home (we stopped at Marsha and Wyman's on the way so that we could feed her, so we didn't get home until late)


And here are just a few random cute ones from around the time we got home from the hospital...





That is all for now... I promise to update more soon and get some pictures of our showers up here as well as pictures from just before she was born when we were in Hawaii :)

D-Day

So, here we are... the beginning of October. It is crazy to think that just 6 months ago, this was the week that we were so anticipating. It is strange to think now that October 4th will always just be "another day" for us from here on out! The nice thing is that Charlotte is officially a newborn now, at least when it comes to her corrected age. Now we can actually expect her to do all the things that a newborn does. It is just so crazy to think that, in a perfect world we would just NOW be finding out if Pip was a Charlotte or a Liam. To think that we have known this sweet girl and really gotten to know here for 12 weeks already is just so hard to fathom! It is also hard to quantify how truly in love with her I am. Just thinking about her and the way she looks at me or the cooing she makes as she eats or the way she and Will look in the morning as they face each other and make googly eyes at one another, or her little smirk,,, it all just makes me melt. I feel so lucky to be her mom!

For a quick update, Charlie is now just over 6 pounds and doing very well! Will and I absolutely love having her home. It feels so natural to be a family. People ask me what it was like bringing her home (at a hefty 4 pounds!) and if we had those usual parental anxieties. Of course there was some trepidation but I think having the NICU buffer makes our experience much different than the average. There were so many pros and cons from this whole experience. It is hard to believe now that I can feel as though there were actually POSTITVE aspects to this whole ordeal but I have to admit they are there. First of all, I was able to fully recover from my c-section and prepare for her arrival. Additionally, it is nice that she is pretty well scheduled (she eats just about every 3 hours!) as well as the fact that she takes a bottle. That makes it easy for dad (or the grandmas when they were here!) to take a shift in the night and allow me to get some extra rest. That freezer full of breastmilk is nice to have on hand too (we haven't even made a dent in that yet!) Plus, we have really been able to see our community (our friends and family... even our new neighbors!) rally around us in this time. We feel so blessed. By the end of her 7 week stay at CHOC, we aleady knew so much about our little girl, her eating habits, her personality and we had a strong sense that the best place for her was at home and that Will and I could be as attentive to her needs (if not more so!) than the staff at CHOC. In the end, we were certainly more excited than nervous to bring her home!
We feel so blessed to be so supported. Our church family has been so amazing throughout all of this as has our actual family. Lisa loves spending time with her niece and both grandmas were able to come and spend a week or so with us the week before and after our latest shower (which I will post about soon! It was wonderful!) Having them here was so great! I also feel that we have an amazing new support system since we made friends with her awesome primary nurses (Amanda and Kelly) and now get to go to lactation clinic once a week to get weighed in and have some support in the breastfeeding department (which, again, could be a whole nother blog post). In any event, we continue to be reminded of how blessed we are and how grateful we are for the health of our sweet Charlotte.
I know I have a LOT to catch up on since my last post... I promise to do a better job (and post a lot more pictures) very soon!
Thanks to all of you for being such a blessing to us! We are incredibly grateful for each of you!

At long last...

Here are some pictures for y'all! These are some of the same that you can find on Will's blog in the slide show... this way, you can pore over them a little longer if you like.

Enjoy!!!

Jess

Overwhelmed and overjoyed

I can barely wrap my brain around the fact that our little girl is already a month old. She is such a big girl already (and still so incredibly tiny!!) Here is an update on where she is at right now (since I know we haven't been that great at keeping you all updated! I am so sorry about that!!)

Our sweet Charlotte is now weighing in at a very hefty 3 pounds and 9 oz. She has already gained over a pound since she was born! It is easy to see it on her! She has begun to fill out her little cheeks and such. Just this past week, I really started to notice how much bigger she looks. There are several developmental milestones that you can notice with her now. She loves to suck on her pacifier... she is vigorous with it now. She gets it mostly when she is being fed (still by feeding tube... hopefully she will try the bottle again later this week. She would have been 34 weeks on Thursday and that is about the time that they get their suck/swallow reflex. She tried a bottle last week but only took about 2 or 3 CC's. Hopefully she will do better at the end of this week) this tricks her into realizing the connection between sucking and getting a full belly. She gets my breastmilk every 3 hours. Right now, she gets one oz every feeding. Not a lot to you and me but quite a bit for her little belly. She has some relux issues (common for preemies since the sphincter between the esophagus and stomach is not developed yet) but has been handling her feedings rather well. My milk is supplemented with HMF (human milk fortifier) which gives her about 24 calories per feeding rather than the usual 20 that would be in my breastmilk alone. She has been off all of her IV's for the last couple of weeks (since the 9th of August) and as of this weekend, she was moved to the "big girl room" (as we call it) of the NICU. It is much nicer and MUCH more quiet than the rest of the ward. It is known as the "feed and grow" room since she really just has to eat, feed and grow from here on out. The doctors told us on Thursday of last week that she should be ready to go in 2-3 weeks. I was elated. It was the first time that anyone has given us ANY sort of timeline at all besides the standard "she should be home by her due date." It was also good timing because I was beginning to feel incredibly down. Just the night before we had been in to see her. As we left the NICU I just felt incredibly down. I was overcome by this sense of grief. I couldn't bear it. Leaving your baby in someone else's care day in and day out has become so tiresome to me. On top of that, it felt as though there was no light at the end of the tunnel. She was still on the feeding tube and far from learning to eat by bottle. Plus, she had been having more frequent "De-sat" episodes (where her pulse oxygenation would drop substantially) during her feeds. It just felt as though things had hit a very depressing plateau. So, to hear the next day that the doctors were optimistic about her going home in 2-3 weeks and the next day to come in and find her in the "feed and grow" room was incredibly relieving.

Charlotte clearly loves the new room. She has grown 20-40 grams every night since she moved. That is an average of one oz a day. Within the last day or so her "Spells" (where she de-sats or "Bradys") have reduced quite a bit and any spells she has are self-resolving. It appears that her little body is slowly learning what to do and how to function.

As for me and how I am doing... well, it kinda depends on when you catch me. I vacillate between being completely overwhelmed and overjoyed. I love spending time with my sweet girl. I try to "kangaroo" (skin to skin hold) with her as often as I can... usually between her 11:00 and 2:00 feedings every day. I go in with Will in the mornings and then my sister-in-law, Lisa, usually comes to pick me up around we leave to grab lunch and go home around 2. Who would have ever guessed that I could spend so much time staring into a plastic box! I marvel at how fast the time seems to pass while I am in the NICU. I could spend day on end in there and it would feel like hours. It seems that my mood tends to revolve a great deal around how well my baby is doing. The better her day is, the better I seem to feel. There were several weeks where I felt so incredibly helpless. It is true what they say about being on a rollercoaster ride. I have felt my emotions take me on quite a flux of highs to lows. I suppose I could blame it on my horomones. More likely, it stems from just being a mom now and dealing with the pain difficulty of trying to protect my sweet baby from that which I have no control. It is daunting. I just continue to pray that she will have good days so that, hopefully, I in turn will have good days too. Overall, I am simply overjoyed and overwhelmed by all of it. I cannot imagine loving anything as much as I love her. I am so happy to be a mom... to be HER mom. I am also overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. To be a mom has got to be one of the most daunting jobs in the world. The idea of actually bringing her home and taking care of her ourselves is scary, to say the least.
I am also overwhelmed though by the outpouring of support and love that we have received from our family and friends. We are SO incredibly grateful for all of their prayers, their meals, their willingness to pack us up and help us move. It is truly amazing how much people have done to help us over the past few weeks.
I truly am grateful to all of you for your calls, your desire to check in on us, the ways you have taken care of us, the clothes and baby stuff you have sent... we are overwhelmed by your love and support. I want to make sure to talk to you all personally in the next few days to make sure you know how genuinely grateful we are. We love you all and could not have made it through the past few weeks without you. Thank you for being there for us right now and for being so patient with us at this time. We cannot even begin to tell you how much we appreciate it!

PS check out Will's blog for more pictures... it takes forever for him to get them to me so I don't have anything to post right now!

And so it begins...

My world began on Wednesday, July 18th at 7:28 PM.

Who knew life could change so rapidly and so completely in such a short period of time? Everything seemed so completely normal. We had just returned from a great trip to Hawaii. We were preparing to move into our new home and packing up our old place. All was status quo.

I awoke on Monday morning, the 16th, prepared to go in to my doctor's office to have my glucose test. My actual appointment was scheduled for the 18th. I was so looking forward to the next three months. So much of our busyness was behind us... no more FAM JAM! I could really enjoy my pregnancy! We were set to begin our Bradley classes that evening and all seemed to be great. I was also excited because my mom was planning to be here for that. I figured she could go with me and be a part of that whole day. I was also planning to have a 4-D ultrasound later in the week when my dad got into town as well so that everyone could see Pip while they were here. I thought it might be pretty fun since they were already in California to meet my little nephew, Caleb, who was born on the 1st of July (weighing in at a hefty 10 lbs and 2 oz!!). This way, they could at least see both of their new grand kids in this trip west. I was also excited to do some traditional "pregnancy" stuff with my mom like registering for baby gear and such. Little did I know there was a completely different plan in store for us!

As soon as I woke up on Monday morning I thought I might be leaking fluid. I went to the bathroom and became a little more certain of it. I called my midwife right away and told Will (who, thankfully, was in between assignments and was home with me that morning) that I was worried my water may have broken. My nurse told me to go get checked out at the hospital. I asked if we had to go to Orange Coast (where I was supposed to deliver... IN OCTOBER!) or if I could go to any hospital. She told me that I could do whatever I was comfortable with. In my mind, I figured that if my water had, indeed, broken it meant that this baby was most likely coming very early and I would want to be as close to CHOC (Children's Hospital of Orange County) as possible. I knew that St. Joseph's is right next door and that they actually have an underground tunnel to get over there. I also know a couple of nurses from our church that work on the ER there, so I decided that was where I wanted to go.

Will and I both got dressed and he drove me to St. Joseph's, On the way, I made some calls to let people know what was going on. By the time we got there, I was no longer questioning what I was experiencing. I was certain of it. Amniotic fluid was gushing out of me. We went straight to labor and delivery and did not even stop to register. I figured they could come to me, and, thankfully, they did. The nurse that checked me in, Cheryl, was amazing. She was very encouraging and helped me relax a bit. She checked me right away to see if my water had broken. "Grossly ruptured" is the term they kept using. My worst nightmare was true. I also met my new doctor that had been assigned to me... she was not my favorite person in the world. Her bedside manner left much to be desired! Cheryl ordered a consult for me from another doctor (I am telling you, she was great!) They immediately started me on antibiotics (since there is such a greater risk of infection once the water bag has broken) and pumped me full of steriods to try and strengthen Pip's lungs (since they are not usually developed for the outside world until about 34 weeks). This steriod (serfactin) is supposed to really help preemies lungs develop quickly. They give it in two doses, one dose every 24 hours. So, the goal at that point was to stall labor until at least the 48 hour mark to give the steriods time to take full effect. Anything beyond that would be gravy. The ideal situation would be to keep me on 100% bedrest for several weeks, giving Pip time to grow and become more ready for the outside world.

My mom and my Aunt Meg (who happened to be in from Texas) along with my cousin Alex made it there by about 3PM that day. It was so good to see them. Lisa was also there for most of the ordeal. Together, we all met with the neonatologist on call. It was reassuring to hear what he had to say. Basically, 28 weeks is kind of the cut off for successful preemies. According to them, about 98% of all 28 weekers do very well and go on to live healthy, normal lives. The hard part is just getting through the first few months int he NICU. He described it as a roller coaster, good days and bad. He even knew some of the doctors up at Stanford that my cousin Alex had when he was born (My Aunt Meg had twins at 27 weeks. Alex and his brother Matthew, who did not make it). He assured us that much has changed in the last 19 years and that they have so much more knowledge now than they even did then. It is definitely reassuring since even my cousin Alex has done so well. He is great and it is helpful to know what is possible. I also met with the doctor that Cheryl had called as a consult, Dr. Goldstein. He was really great too and asked a lot of questions about me and my pregnancy. It was at that point that he basically diagnosed me with an incompetent cervix due to the way my water broke without provocation and the fact that I was not having any contractions and was not really in labor.

In the meantime. I was hooked up to every kind of monitor you could think of and they took my temperature constantly to see if there was any sign of infection. They kept me in labor and delivery for the first 24 hours. It was agony. The room there was not very comfortable. The bed was like cardboard and everytime a machine would ding or buzz, we were up again. Will wanted to stay with me that first night. Maggie, my night nurse, was so great and she offered the other bed in my room to Will but he did not want to be so far away, so he set up camp in a chair right next to my bed. By the end of the night, he was really good at fixing all the machines and turning off the bells and whistles that we knew weren't worth worrying about. All through the night things looked great. Pip's heart rate was wonderful and all seemed well.

I made it through the first 24 hours and at that point they decided to move me to a anti-pardum section of the hospital (where people just wait and try NOT to have their babies). I again had my own room and lots of great visitors. I was literally on COMPLETE bedrest and could not even sit up. I was flat on my back the entire time. It was excruciating! The idea of being laid out like that in the hospital until this baby came was practically unfathomable... but I was willing to do it for my baby! I basically decided to get comfortable. The plan was for me to be there for a long time.

Friends brought me food, portable DVD players, DVDs to watch, books to read and magazines to flip through. We were all under the impression that I was going to be there for a while. After 48 hours rolled by, I was feeling pretty good... not exactly comfortable, but good. It wasn't long after the 48 hour mark that I was eating lunch and someone came up to get me for an ultrasound. We were all pretty surprised seeing as how nobody had mentioned one to me. I wasn't completely surprised though. My nurse that day was a complete idiot. I had had numerous incidents where I really questioned her competency. There were times when she clearly had no idea and had to get another nurse to help her out. At one point I had to tell her that the heartbeat that she had found was not the baby's but MINE and then readjusted the monitor to find Pip again. I worried that this ultrasound was the result of her inneptitude.

We went downstairs to radiology to see Pip, yet again. This ultrasound was far different than any one we had had before though. In every ultrasound previous to this one we had heard the same thing... our baby was so active! This time, our baby was incredibly still. The tech seemed a little worried and when I asked the questions, I got the typical response... she couldn't tell me anything. I had to ask the doctor. I KNEW that was bad news. I went back upstairs and drank some water. At that point, I felt Pip kick me again a couple of times and I felt reassured.

Suddenly Liz appeared. She was a fiesty little labor and delivery nurse and I felt a rush of appreciation for her almost immediately. She was told to whisk me away to L&D for another ultrasound. I couldn't understand it. I had been moved so many times in the past 48 hours... I did NOT want to move again. She assured me that she thought it would be for a short stint so, again, we went back to the labor and delivery wing.

They did another ultrasound. This one wasn't much better. Pip moved a little more but not a lot. Even when they used the little buzzer deal, there was not much reaction. I had a very bad feeling about that. Everyone left so that I could go to the bathroom. About that time, my doctor came in and said the words that I was dreading... they wanted to take the baby immediately by c-section. I told her I could not even process what she was saying. I needed Will to be there with me. I was so scared and so upset. This was NOT the way things were supposed to go. I asked if there was any way that I could deliver vaginally but was told that it might be too traumatizing for the baby. I just felt like I needed answers. I couldn't understand how things got so drastic so quickly. It was at that time that my doctor explained that the main reason they wanted to get Pip out right away was because she scored a 0 out of 8 on the first ultrasound and then only a 2 out of 8 on the second. She went on to say that this just wasn't good enough. They couldn't say why she was so mellow but if it were due to infection or something it would be better to get the baby to the NICU as healthy as possible. A healthy baby in the NICU would be better off than a sick one. I looked for reassurance from Liz and, by that time, Will had arrived to hear the news. It all seemed so surreal.
Everyone wished me well and encouraged me that all would be fine. Will got into his scrubs and broke out the camera... we were about to meet Pip. As we rolled down the hallway will continually kissed my forehead and tried to assure me that all would be fine. Then he asked for any last guesses on whether it was a boy or a girl. His guess was that it was a girl... and stubborn just like her mom.

From the time we got into operating room everything went very quickly. I got a spinal (I HATED it!!!!) and began to feel my legs go numb. Within just a few minutes they began to cut me open. That was the strangest thing in the world. I could hear them talking and even FEEL everything they were doing... it just didn't hurt. I could feel so much pulling and prodding. It was strange. I could even tell as soon as the baby was out. I turned to will and even said so. Within seconds we heard a sad and sweet little cry. Our baby had arrived. I immediately heard one of the doctors say that our baby was a fighter. Not a huge surprise. We saw a tiny pink body being passed from one doctor to another. I couldn't even believe how little the arms and legs looked to me. I had to ask if it was a boy or a girl. Maggie, my night nurse from labor and delivery, was there in the room. It was nice to see a familiar face in there. She came over to say congratulations. She said she thought it was a girl. She went back to check and then confirmed that we were, indeed, parents of a beautiful baby girl.

Will was told that he could go with them to take our new baby to the NICU. After a few minutes, he left me. That was quite odd. For the first time, Will was leaving me to go take care of someone else. Someone that needed him more than I did. It was difficult to wrap my brain around that idea.

After a while, they had completely stitched me up and wheeled me to the recovery room. My mom came in to share her joy at having a new granddaughter and to check on me. She also came to tell me how much she weighted (a tiny 2lbs and 8 ozs!) She was so excited. I was so out of it. I tried to engage but I was seriously drugged. I hated not being able to feel my legs and was anxious to feel someone normal again. Dad came in to check on me too and then eventually Will came back too to give me his update on our baby girl.

I swear it took days for me to actually realize what had happened. It is hard to feel bonded to a baby that is so far away. I was in a lot of pain from my surgery and I even had to remind myself from time to time that I was no longer pregnant. It wasn't until the next day that I got to go down and see her for the first time. Even then, I don't know that I can say that I bonded right away. I certainly felt like I loved her but I don't think I experienced the overwhelming sense of affection that most mothers feel until I got to "kangaroo" with her (a NICU term for when you hold your baby skin to skin on your chest) I think that is when my heart truly melted and I began to realize how vulnerable this mom thing really is. It is hard to describe it. There is just something about knowing that my life is forever changed and that, no matter how hard I try I will always have this overwhelming desire (and complete inability) to protect this amazing little being.

I think this past month in the NICU has been a learning experience for sure. I am certain that all this time to reflect will teach me a lot about myself, my views on God and life in general. I suppose I can continue to share those here. One thing I know for sure though is that this journey into motherhood is most certainly a roller coaster with good days and bad... but all worth it.

Here is a picture from one of my first kangaroo sessions with my sweet baby Charlotte.

Pip update...

Hi all, it's Will! It's a long story, but Pip is no longer Pip... Here's a quick update and we'll post more shortly as to how and all the other stuff...

I am pleased to announce that as of 7:28 pm this evening (July 18th, 2007) our first child was brought into the world, Charlotte Jean Parris... formerly known as Pip. It's not according to how we would have liked, but I am so happy to report that both of the ladies are doing fine and healthy! Charlie (what we'll call her) was 2 lbs 8 oz and 14.5 inches long, and she's beautiful (just like her mom!).

We're grateful for all the doctors at CHOC and St. Joe's, they did a wonderful job with the two most important things in my life! Thank you for all the prayers, we just ask that you continue to pray for Jess and Charlotte for a speedy recovery and continued growth and health. Charlie is doing wonderful and is a little fighter already... again, just like her mom, and we love it! Jess is recovering wonderfully and will be able to go and see our little miracle tomorrow.

Here are a few pictures I was able to get off the camera, I don't have all my gear here since Jess was transferred to about 4 rooms today, but that is a story for another post... all that matters though is our beautiful daughter is here and healthy and Jess is doing wonderful and on a quick road to recovery!

So Jess, if you're reading this (and it would be a miracle with no wireless and no other way to check) I love you so very much, and I'm so proud of you! You are going to make the best mom, not to mention how incredibly beautiful you are... I truly am the luckiest man in the world to be your husband!

Charlotte... I've only known you for about 5 and half hours and I love you so much too! You're a little fighter, a lot stubborn, and a whole mess of trouble already, but mom and I love you so much and we can't wait to see you again. Your mom and I are incredibly blessed to be your parents, we love you with all our hearts!

Family and friends, here are a few quick pictures of our baby girl, Charlotte Jean...

Aloha and God bless!!

Beautiful little hands...


The little monitor on her foot...


Our big girl all stretched out (and she twitches in her sleep like her dad :D )


One of my favorites, that's Charlotte holding on to my index finger... daddy's little girl... so beautiful!

My lovely baby bump, check it out...

Here you go! It has been awhile since I have had a good belly shot on here... these were taken a couple of weeks ago (I was 22 weeks at the time!) You can tell I have made quite a bit of progress in the 10 weeks since my last belly shot!! I need to take one more soon... I am amazed at how much bigger I am even now from these pictures!!! I think I am growing literally everyday!




I guess growing every day is no surprise as I seem to be hungry ALL the time! I even wake up HUNGRY! It is silly for anyone to ever ask a pregnant woman in her second trimester, "are you hungry?" The answer will ALWAYS be yes!! We went to a birthday party this past weekend for a friend and I seriously camped out by the food table for hours. I couldn't stop! So, I am petrified to see what the scale says at my next appointment on Wednesday! I seriously feel like I have gained a ton of weight since my last appointment! The worst part is my underwear seems to be shrinking (that can be the only logical explanation!) I just don't get it!! As one of the chapters in my "Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy" says, if this baby is in my stomach, why is my butt so big?!? It is an interesting phenomenon. I guess I could feel a lot better about this weight gain if the growth were soley in my belly. Unfortunately, that just isn't the case right now! So, I fear the scale! I also fear the blood pressure cuff too... that could be interesting! Just when you think things might start to subside too, everything gets NUTTY all over again!

All in all, as I wrap up week 24, I have to say that I am truly loving being pregnant! I actually find myself thinking about how excited I am to do this all over again. I know, I know, I am probably putting the cart before the horse, so to speak but I am really enjoying things right now. The most exciting thing is that Pip has become much more active. At least I can FEEL more movement now than before. Some days is is fairly constant. Just two weeks ago, Will and laid in bed for a long while on Sunday morning just feeling Pip move around. It was a VERY active morning. It was also the first time that Will really felt any good flips or kicks. It was pretty exciting. Now, we can lie on the couch at night and watch my stomach bounce around. It is really crazy. Sometimes it is so hard to believe that there is a little person in there... a little person made up of me and Will! It is such an overwhelming and wonderful experience. I find it hard to describe. So, there you have it! My reflections on 24 weeks of this crazy rollercoaster.... I guess all I can say is that I feel really very blessed to even be on this ride in the first place!

Little People, the Milkman and the American Dream

So, I am going to try and squeeze in another post here while I can (even though I REALLY should be working right now!!!) There is just so much going on and I want to get some stuff down before things get too busy again!

As I mentioned in the last post, there is so much happening for us right now! This year has been so incredible! It is funny because before we started this year, we set out 3 goals for ourselves: a baby, getting Will's business off the ground and a house. We had been pleasantly surprised that we were moving ahead so quickly with two of the three. Obviously we were quite excited when we found out about Pip back in February. It was also pretty amazing to see Will's summer calendar book up quickly with weddings and portraits galore. I never dreamed that we would actually be three for three by the end of the year... turns out, we most likely will be!

Last week, we went into escrow on a very little house in La Habra! I fell in love with it almost immediately. It is a small, two bedroom, one bath and is an older home (built in 1937) and is really well-suited for that era, which we suppose was full of little people and milkmen as the shower is way too small to house anyone larger than 6' (thank goodness Will is JUST about that tall... could be comical when my parents come to visit though. I keep envisioning the scene in Elf where Buddy is showering in the elf-sized shower... that will be my 6'8" dad in our new bathroom! Even so, it has a ton of charm... everything from the little white picket fence to the front porch and hardwood floors were completely enchanting to me. We were also impressed by the large backyard (so we could always add on someday). One of my favorite features is the little door in the kitchen that has another door to the outside wall... in it, a glass milk bottle as well as a little dial you can turn to let the milkman know exactly how much milk you need for the coming week. It is adorable and I hope the current owner leaves the milkjug for us! We hope to close escrow on the 10th or so (which, will be rough since we are supposed to be on our "babymoon" in Maui that week! ) It is all happening VERY fast but we are so excited. I am particularly excited to think that we are going to have a HOME of our own. I can already envision Pip's (USC) room... Pip learning to crawl around on the hardwood floors, playing outside on the nice big lawn with our dog (yeah, eventually we WILL have a dog!!!) or even spending lazy summer afternoons on the front porch (which is BEGGING for a porch swing) drinking lemondade while Pip plays in the sprinklers... it is all very Norman Rockwell, I know but it gets me through the STRESS of this home buying process!
It is pretty crazy because every time I feel like there is an end to the tunnel with my current stressors, something new pops up!! We are just really looking forward to getting through FAM JAM (my HUGE work project right now) and then closing on this house... I can't wait to celebrate with my virgin Pina Colada in Maui! Aloooooooooha!! :)

And now, what you all have been waiting for, pictures of our new home (can't you just see it all decked out for Christmas?!?! I can!!!!)

The Big Day

Hello again! It has been SO long since I posted! Things are going well here in pregnancy-ville, although, I have to admit that life is incredibly hectic! Let me see where we are at...

Well, on May 30th, we finally got to THE BIG DAY--- Ultrasound day! We were so excited to see Pip moving around in there! I was particularly looking forward to it because I started to experience REALLY bad pains in my side just two days before we were scheduled for our ultrasound. I was actually quite worried by them. They were so painful that I could barely walk! I started to notice them in the evening and then woke up around 3AM in a ton of pain. Will woke up too and we debated for a long time about whether or not we should go to the ER. I thought they might be "round ligament stretching pains" which happen because your belly is starting to really grow (which mine CERTAINLY is!) and the ligaments that support your growing uterus begin to stretch and can be painful. The problem was that everything I read indicated that such pains really only lasted a second or two and were triggered when you moved. I seemed to have them even when I was lying in bed in a fairly neutral position. Eventually, I was able to fall asleep (on my side with a pillow between my legs) and then felt a bit better in the morning.

That afternoon, however, they came back so I called the nurses line. They assured me that it did, indeed, sound like round-ligament stretching and that I could try warm or cool compress and take some Tylenol to try and manage the pains. I wish I had known what to expect with these! I guess not every woman has them but these were really bad and they caused quite a bit of concern. I spent a lot of time trying to feel Pip just to make sure that our little bean was still moving around and happy in there!!

By the time our ultrasound appointment arrived, I was feeling quite a bit better and it was nothing but reassuring to finally really SEE Pip again. Will was not allowed to go in with me at first (something about how they needed to get the "official" pictures taken first for the doctor and THEN we could play... of course, Daddy wasn't very happy about this but he did very well!) My ultrasound tech was very nice. SHe immediately commented on how active our baby is (I told her that he/she takes after dad!!) She mentioned this several times so that is a little worrisome :) But she also said that really active babies often means that they will be strong and healthy babies, so that is a good thing! She also commented on the size of Pip's legs and arms! She said this baby is going to be very tall (wonder where that would come from?!?!) At first, Pip was turned head down and backside up, which made it difficult to get good pictures (this is also what made it so difficult to get the heartbeat last time!!) She tried to do a few things to get Pip to turn around but baby refused. At that point, she referred to Pip as stubborn (again, not sure WHERE that would come from!!) So, she had me run to the restroom to see if that would get Pip to move... sure enough, when she tried again, we could see Pip had turned around and was MUCH more photogenic :) Before she got Will, I could see Pip hanging out and sucking his/her thumb. It was so cute!!

When Will came in, we got to spend several minutes just watching Pip and she took a couple of really good shots. This ultrasound maching was MUCH clearer than the last one. We made sure to tell her right away that we had no interest in finding out the sex and she did a good job of keeping that from us.

Here are a couple of our favorites:




At one point, she also said, "Oh look! Your baby is giving you the peace sign" Will and I both looked at each other and told her it wasn't the "peace" sign, it was the USC Victory sign!! She tried to capture it but the picture didn't turn out so great. All in all, it was a very exciting day!

I am having trouble believing that I turn 24 weeks tomorrow. It just doesn't seem possible! I remember being 6 weeks and feeling like every week was taking an absolute eternity... now, I wish I could slow time down a bit because I feel to busy to truly ENJOY this process of being pregnant. It is so odd! There is a lot going on with the Parris clan right now, which contributes to the craziness, but I will have to save that for another post :)

Off to eat (again!)

Happy Mother's Day... to me :)

So, last Sunday was Mother's Day! I know I am not official yet, BUT I do think that I should get SOME recognition for the fact that I am carrying around a little human being in my tummy. So, since they do not yet have a "Human Incubator Day," I gladly relished in the numerous wishes I received last week to "have a happy mother's day!!" For the first time, I got "Mother's Day" gifts. One from my mother in law (a beautiful diamond heart necklace and some yummy, very clean smelling soap and lotion, which is really nice since I still can't really wear my old perfume... I think it is too strong or too closely associated with morning sickness memories for me or something!!!) Anyway, I also got a rose bush from my mom that we can plant in order to commemorate Pip's life. It is neat to think that when Pip turns one, it should be producing a beautiful pink rose called "the Mother's Rose." It will look like this:

In any event, I thought it was a VERY sweet gift and I hope beyond hope that I don't manage to kill it (as I suspect I may already have!! If there is one thing I did not inherit from my mother, it is her green thumb!) I also got a card from Pip (via Will) urging me to go to Glen Ivy... twist my arm :) They do offer Maternity Massages there... I am so excited!! We also got my first official "Mother's Day" picture take at church (Will took all of the photos this year... this is a "not so official" one that makes me laugh!

All in all, Mother's Day was pretty great (the presents are fun!) but it is also a good time for me to really process the fact that I am going to be someone's MOM!!! It is almost as though that has NOT sunk in with me quite yet. For the rest of my life, I may not even be known as Jessica anymore but more so as "Pip's Mom." It is nutty! It makes me think a lot about my own mom. WARNING-This is about to get a bit setimental and mushy so, if you are not the type, please feel free to stop reading here :)

I guess I am beginning to realize how much I want to be like my mom with Pip. Sure, there are some things I will do differently but, on the whole, I think I was so lucky to grow up with the parents that I had. I got to see my mom this weekend in Sacramento for my sister-in-law's shower (another post, I am sure!) and it was so nice to just chat with her. One of my favorite parts of the weekend was sitting in the airport waiting to leave and just talking with my mom as we stared out over the tarmac and drank our starbucks together. I asked lots of questions... mostly about childbirth. What it was like for her, etc. I also asked questions about who SHE thought I was more like, her or dad. Although I am DEFINITELY my father's daughter, there are some traits of my mom's that I have inherited. I know there are times when I say something (especially like when I yell at the TV during a sports game or the way I talk to the kids at church) when I stop and think to myself, "I AM my mother!!" It is odd! I also think I got some of her creativity and love of order (all things that seem to have kicked in later in life). Like my mom, I really enjoy being around kids and feel like serving them is part of who I am.

There are some things about my mom I have NOT inherited, however. Many are things I would like to work on or really want to emulate better.... For example, I am not as gracious as my mom. I don't have the patience she does with people that clearly annoy me. My mom seems to be one of the most forgiving women that I know. Also, I don't think you can beat her hospitality. I know plenty of people that open up their home to others, but nobody does it like my mom! It isn't a show or a chance to show the world how close she is to Martha Stewart (which, she is!! We have been eating cornish game hens since I was in jr. high and we have always had one of the nicest yards around... that is my mom!!) but rather just a chance to invite someone into our world. Even holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving are not exclusive to the Young family... my mom will invite over nearly anyone who needs a place to go. She is also really good and getting gifts and cards into the mail, ON TIME! Something I am pitiful at accomplishing!!

Another thing I love about my mom... HER love of the holidays (another trait thatI have inherited). She goes after the holidays with gusto. Our house is always decorated from floor to ceiling but never overdone. She values tradition and the spirit of the day. She manages to take in the holidays and forget the commercial hype. I love that about her.

She is always put together. I don't think she EVER goes out of the house without makeup (which I admire about her!) She makes my friends feel comfortable and her family feel loved. She gives and probably sacrifices for us more than I will ever completely know or understand. She taught us early on how to love Jesus not just by TELLING us about Him but showing us how to be more like Him. She loves and cares about people. She sticks up for the people she cares about but isn't afraid to tell you when she thinks YOU might be in the wrong (a quality I HATED in high school but have now come to appreciate). She seeks harmony and peace in her home and with her friends. She is and has been a great mother. In so many ways, I want to be more like her.

So often, I think Pip is a girl... and it scares the daylights out of me! It will be fun at first, frilly dresses and tea parties. But then I think about 15 years from now and I am PARALYZED with fear. Today, however, I let my imagination drift past 15 years, onto 20 or even 30 years from now and I had to smile. I figure if I can be a mom like mine has been and my daughter is someday asking ME questions about life and childbirth as she anticipates starting a family of her own, as we stare out over the tarmac drinking coffee together, I cannot imagine any other kind of success in my life greater than that. And maybe, just maybe, she will reflect back and think to herself that she wants to be a lot like me (and like her grandma!) too as she starts her family. And then I think that having a little girl might not be so bad afterall.

Our Child- the Troublemaker...

It is official... our child takes after his/her dad (although, some might argue it is mom that is being imitated, but I will stick with the former :) I know it has been a while since I have blogged and a lot has happened in the past several weeks... one event seems to stick out in my mind though as pivotal and flat-out frightening. It all started at my 20 week appointment...

...everything was going great. I weighed in (+11 lbs since my first appointment. I wanted to be at 10 but it is close enough, I suppose!) Then, we started discussing my AFP test (a test that detects chromosonal abnormalities that I was hesitant to take because I had heard a lot about false positives and I really didn't think it would change much anyway, but we took anyway) and that all of that had come out normal... all was going very well. Then, Lynn tried to find the heartbeat. It wasn't any different than the first two times when she found it swishing right away. EXCEPT this time, it was silent. There were occassional swishes (that usually indicate kicks or movement) but nothing that resembled a heart beat. Lynn kept trying and I asked her if she was worried. Not yet was her reply. She kept looks and pressing on my belly but we couldn't get it. She mentioned that everything else looked right on schedule for 20 weeks but the fact that it took so long to find it was a little troubling. After several grouling minutes, she decided to whisk us into the ultrasound room. I wasn't sure what to think. Part of me was certain everything was fine... afterall, I had been feeling Pip move around for weeks now (and getting more and more sure of what felt like kicking versus rolling, etc.) but then part of me could not help but be concerned. I began to worry that maybe I had been making it all up, or that it had all been in my head. I just remember lying down on that table and praying that we would not see a lifeless little being on the screen next to me. I could not even imagine the horror. Will was so good throughout the whole thing. He held my hand, kissed my forehead and tried to reassure me that everything was going to be just fine. I am SO glad that he was there.

In just moments, Lynn had lubed up my belly and stuck the wand on it. Right away she said "Well, there's your baby!" My first question was "where is the heartbeat?" After just a second, we saw it. A beautiful four-chamber heart just beating away. I was so relieved and so overwhelmed at the sight of my child that I didn't even know what to think. It was all so unbelievable! We weren't even supposed to have an ultrasound for another week or two and here we were, SEEING Pip for the very first time. It was amazing!

It turns out Pip was hiding behind my placenta and seems to be doing just fine. Lynn was great and let us look for quite awhile before putting the wand away. Unfortunately, there was no way to take pictures on that machine but, of course, Pip's daddy ALWAYS has his camera on him so he was able to get some shots of Pip's big moment. The hardest part was probably when Lynn asked us if we were certain that we didn't want to know Pip's gender. Part of me was dying to find out. I asked her if she could tell and she coyly said no but I get the impression she could (could this mean blue in our future?) But I am certain that if we can get through the NEXT ultrasound (our official one on the 30th) then we may be able to stick with the plan.
We all did agree at this point that Pip is, indeed, a trouble maker!! Even Lynn called Pip a brat. Will and I could not agree more. He/she already gave us quite a scare and a brief glimpse into how scary this parenting thing is really going to be. Since Thursday, I spend more time than ever thinking about this baby. Maybe it has to do with finally SEEING Pip or maybe it is just the realization that I am so emotionally invested in this little being already. Either way, I have a feeling parenthood is going to be just like Thursday was... a mix of the most amazing and miraculous things I have ever been a part of in my life. Both terrifying and wonderful.

Of course, the day was well documented... here are some quick shots (that you can also find on the parris-studios blog as well) so that you can get a feel for the big day. Enjoy :)

I'm so Rumbly, in my Tumbly...

This post was actually written last Friday... sorry it has taken so long to publish :)

So much happens these days within just a couple of weeks! I am feeling MUCH better than I have been. Nausea is much less frequent and chocolate and I are back to being the pals we once were. For all of a week or so, I guess I was actually feeling like me again... just plain old Jessica! That didn't last long though. I'm into a new phase... the feeling phase!

I have been feeling "flutters" for the past couple of weeks but most people usually discount those as "gas." Weird gas, I would say. But yesterday was different. After eating a big lunch and then sitting at my desk, I felt almost as though my bladder was full but without the pain or pressure to pee. I began to realize that it was my uterus that was feeling stretched out. Then that stretchy feeling moved to the left, then back to the right. It is almost like when you rub your knuckles up against your opposite open hand. It happened again last night after Will and I walked to Cheesecake Factory for dinner (we are trying to walk more and we had a gift card to use-win, win, win). It was that same distinct stretching and moving feeling. Then it started again today around mid-morning. I have to say, it is truly amazing. I know I will tire of it eventually (and be sick of the kicking someday) but, for now, I love it! It makes this all seem so much more REAL and less in my head!!

We had our 16 week appointment last week. It was... uneventful! It is amazing how quickly those trips go now. Pee in a cup, take your blood pressure, feel around your belly, listen to the sweet swishing of Pip's heartbeat, ask any questions we might have... then, done. I asked many of my questions that came up after being at Suzanne's birth. Many of my concerns were alleviated. However, I did learn that my midwife doesn't seem all that keen on pursuing a "natural" childbirth. I guess I should have known that. She wasn't discouraging but she certainly doesn't have the same view of it as I do. Our definitions were even very different... for her, Suzanne's birth was "Natural" because Emily was delivered through a "natural" orifice. In any event, I still think she is going to be supportive of this decision. I think it was just a tad bit disappointing to come to this realization.
As always, my artsy husband was there to document the day... here it is in pictures :) Enjoy!


Here is me... pre-appt (with a little belly :))



The drill... blood pressure and doppler (peeing in a cup pictures tastefully withheld ;))