Who knew life could change so rapidly and so completely in such a short period of time? Everything seemed so completely normal. We had just returned from a great trip to Hawaii. We were preparing to move into our new home and packing up our old place. All was status quo.
I awoke on Monday morning, the 16th, prepared to go in to my doctor's office to have my glucose test. My actual appointment was scheduled for the 18th. I was so looking forward to the next three months. So much of our busyness was behind us... no more FAM JAM! I could really enjoy my pregnancy! We were set to begin our Bradley classes that evening and all seemed to be great. I was also excited because my mom was planning to be here for that. I figured she could go with me and be a part of that whole day. I was also planning to have a 4-D ultrasound later in the week when my dad got into town as well so that everyone could see Pip while they were here. I thought it might be pretty fun since they were already in California to meet my little nephew, Caleb, who was born on the 1st of July (weighing in at a hefty 10 lbs and 2 oz!!). This way, they could at least see both of their new grand kids in this trip west. I was also excited to do some traditional "pregnancy" stuff with my mom like registering for baby gear and such. Little did I know there was a completely different plan in store for us!
As soon as I woke up on Monday morning I thought I might be leaking fluid. I went to the bathroom and became a little more certain of it. I called my midwife right away and told Will (who, thankfully, was in between assignments and was home with me that morning) that I was worried my water may have broken. My nurse told me to go get checked out at the hospital. I asked if we had to go to Orange Coast (where I was supposed to deliver... IN OCTOBER!) or if I could go to any hospital. She told me that I could do whatever I was comfortable with. In my mind, I figured that if my water had, indeed, broken it meant that this baby was most likely coming very early and I would want to be as close to CHOC (Children's Hospital of Orange County) as possible. I knew that St. Joseph's is right next door and that they actually have an underground tunnel to get over there. I also know a couple of nurses from our church that work on the ER there, so I decided that was where I wanted to go.
Will and I both got dressed and he drove me to St. Joseph's, On the way, I made some calls to let people know what was going on. By the time we got there, I was no longer questioning what I was experiencing. I was certain of it. Amniotic fluid was gushing out of me. We went straight to labor and delivery and did not even stop to register. I figured they could come to me, and, thankfully, they did. The nurse that checked me in, Cheryl, was amazing. She was very encouraging and helped me relax a bit. She checked me right away to see if my water had broken. "Grossly ruptured" is the term they kept using. My worst nightmare was true. I also met my new doctor that had been assigned to me... she was not my favorite person in the world. Her bedside manner left much to be desired! Cheryl ordered a consult for me from another doctor (I am telling you, she was great!) They immediately started me on antibiotics (since there is such a greater risk of infection once the water bag has broken) and pumped me full of steriods to try and strengthen Pip's lungs (since they are not usually developed for the outside world until about 34 weeks). This steriod (serfactin) is supposed to really help preemies lungs develop quickly. They give it in two doses, one dose every 24 hours. So, the goal at that point was to stall labor until at least the 48 hour mark to give the steriods time to take full effect. Anything beyond that would be gravy. The ideal situation would be to keep me on 100% bedrest for several weeks, giving Pip time to grow and become more ready for the outside world.
My mom and my Aunt Meg (who happened to be in from Texas) along with my cousin Alex made it there by about 3PM that day. It was so good to see them. Lisa was also there for most of the ordeal. Together, we all met with the neonatologist on call. It was reassuring to hear what he had to say. Basically, 28 weeks is kind of the cut off for successful preemies. According to them, about 98% of all 28 weekers do very well and go on to live healthy, normal lives. The hard part is just getting through the first few months int he NICU. He described it as a roller coaster, good days and bad. He even knew some of the doctors up at Stanford that my cousin Alex had when he was born (My Aunt Meg had twins at 27 weeks. Alex and his brother Matthew, who did not make it). He assured us that much has changed in the last 19 years and that they have so much more knowledge now than they even did then. It is definitely reassuring since even my cousin Alex has done so well. He is great and it is helpful to know what is possible. I also met with the doctor that Cheryl had called as a consult, Dr. Goldstein. He was really great too and asked a lot of questions about me and my pregnancy. It was at that point that he basically diagnosed me with an incompetent cervix due to the way my water broke without provocation and the fact that I was not having any contractions and was not really in labor.
In the meantime. I was hooked up to every kind of monitor you could think of and they took my temperature constantly to see if there was any sign of infection. They kept me in labor and delivery for the first 24 hours. It was agony. The room there was not very comfortable. The bed was like cardboard and everytime a machine would ding or buzz, we were up again. Will wanted to stay with me that first night. Maggie, my night nurse, was so great and she offered the other bed in my room to Will but he did not want to be so far away, so he set up camp in a chair right next to my bed. By the end of the night, he was really good at fixing all the machines and turning off the bells and whistles that we knew weren't worth worrying about. All through the night things looked great. Pip's heart rate was wonderful and all seemed well.
I made it through the first 24 hours and at that point they decided to move me to a anti-pardum section of the hospital (where people just wait and try NOT to have their babies). I again had my own room and lots of great visitors. I was literally on COMPLETE bedrest and could not even sit up. I was flat on my back the entire time. It was excruciating! The idea of being laid out like that in the hospital until this baby came was practically unfathomable... but I was willing to do it for my baby! I basically decided to get comfortable. The plan was for me to be there for a long time.
Friends brought me food, portable DVD players, DVDs to watch, books to read and magazines to flip through. We were all under the impression that I was going to be there for a while. After 48 hours rolled by, I was feeling pretty good... not exactly comfortable, but good. It wasn't long after the 48 hour mark that I was eating lunch and someone came up to get me for an ultrasound. We were all pretty surprised seeing as how nobody had mentioned one to me. I wasn't completely surprised though. My nurse that day was a complete idiot. I had had numerous incidents where I really questioned her competency. There were times when she clearly had no idea and had to get another nurse to help her out. At one point I had to tell her that the heartbeat that she had found was not the baby's but MINE and then readjusted the monitor to find Pip again. I worried that this ultrasound was the result of her inneptitude.
We went downstairs to radiology to see Pip, yet again. This ultrasound was far different than any one we had had before though. In every ultrasound previous to this one we had heard the same thing... our baby was so active! This time, our baby was incredibly still. The tech seemed a little worried and when I asked the questions, I got the typical response... she couldn't tell me anything. I had to ask the doctor. I KNEW that was bad news. I went back upstairs and drank some water. At that point, I felt Pip kick me again a couple of times and I felt reassured.
Suddenly Liz appeared. She was a fiesty little labor and delivery nurse and I felt a rush of appreciation for her almost immediately. She was told to whisk me away to L&D for another ultrasound. I couldn't understand it. I had been moved so many times in the past 48 hours... I did NOT want to move again. She assured me that she thought it would be for a short stint so, again, we went back to the labor and delivery wing.
They did another ultrasound. This one wasn't much better. Pip moved a little more but not a lot. Even when they used the little buzzer deal, there was not much reaction. I had a very bad feeling about that. Everyone left so that I could go to the bathroom. About that time, my doctor came in and said the words that I was dreading... they wanted to take the baby immediately by c-section. I told her I could not even process what she was saying. I needed Will to be there with me. I was so scared and so upset. This was NOT the way things were supposed to go. I asked if there was any way that I could deliver vaginally but was told that it might be too traumatizing for the baby. I just felt like I needed answers. I couldn't understand how things got so drastic so quickly. It was at that time that my doctor explained that the main reason they wanted to get Pip out right away was because she scored a 0 out of 8 on the first ultrasound and then only a 2 out of 8 on the second. She went on to say that this just wasn't good enough. They couldn't say why she was so mellow but if it were due to infection or something it would be better to get the baby to the NICU as healthy as possible. A healthy baby in the NICU would be better off than a sick one. I looked for reassurance from Liz and, by that time, Will had arrived to hear the news. It all seemed so surreal.
Everyone wished me well and encouraged me that all would be fine. Will got into his scrubs and broke out the camera... we were about to meet Pip. As we rolled down the hallway will continually kissed my forehead and tried to assure me that all would be fine. Then he asked for any last guesses on whether it was a boy or a girl. His guess was that it was a girl... and stubborn just like her mom.
From the time we got into operating room everything went very quickly. I got a spinal (I HATED it!!!!) and began to feel my legs go numb. Within just a few minutes they began to cut me open. That was the strangest thing in the world. I could hear them talking and even FEEL everything they were doing... it just didn't hurt. I could feel so much pulling and prodding. It was strange. I could even tell as soon as the baby was out. I turned to will and even said so. Within seconds we heard a sad and sweet little cry. Our baby had arrived. I immediately heard one of the doctors say that our baby was a fighter. Not a huge surprise. We saw a tiny pink body being passed from one doctor to another. I couldn't even believe how little the arms and legs looked to me. I had to ask if it was a boy or a girl. Maggie, my night nurse from labor and delivery, was there in the room. It was nice to see a familiar face in there. She came over to say congratulations. She said she thought it was a girl. She went back to check and then confirmed that we were, indeed, parents of a beautiful baby girl.
Will was told that he could go with them to take our new baby to the NICU. After a few minutes, he left me. That was quite odd. For the first time, Will was leaving me to go take care of someone else. Someone that needed him more than I did. It was difficult to wrap my brain around that idea.
After a while, they had completely stitched me up and wheeled me to the recovery room. My mom came in to share her joy at having a new granddaughter and to check on me. She also came to tell me how much she weighted (a tiny 2lbs and 8 ozs!) She was so excited. I was so out of it. I tried to engage but I was seriously drugged. I hated not being able to feel my legs and was anxious to feel someone normal again. Dad came in to check on me too and then eventually Will came back too to give me his update on our baby girl.
I swear it took days for me to actually realize what had happened. It is hard to feel bonded to a baby that is so far away. I was in a lot of pain from my surgery and I even had to remind myself from time to time that I was no longer pregnant. It wasn't until the next day that I got to go down and see her for the first time. Even then, I don't know that I can say that I bonded right away. I certainly felt like I loved her but I don't think I experienced the overwhelming sense of affection that most mothers feel until I got to "kangaroo" with her (a NICU term for when you hold your baby skin to skin on your chest) I think that is when my heart truly melted and I began to realize how vulnerable this mom thing really is. It is hard to describe it. There is just something about knowing that my life is forever changed and that, no matter how hard I try I will always have this overwhelming desire (and complete inability) to protect this amazing little being.
I think this past month in the NICU has been a learning experience for sure. I am certain that all this time to reflect will teach me a lot about myself, my views on God and life in general. I suppose I can continue to share those here. One thing I know for sure though is that this journey into motherhood is most certainly a roller coaster with good days and bad... but all worth it.
Here is a picture from one of my first kangaroo sessions with my sweet baby Charlotte.
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